Chomsky: Coda of a Lifelong Shill

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"There are true stories that never happened."
                                  Elie Wiesel

(MIT professor emeritus Dr. Noam Chomsky receives a visit, from two gentlemen in black. The interaction begins politely enough…)

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

(A few more pleasantries follow…)

Look, guys, I told you I was through with this…”

I know, but we really need your help on this.

So what do you want me to come out and say this time? That pigs can fly?

(Laughter.)

Oh, it’s not quite that extreme.

(One of the men in black hands Chomsky a sheet of paper that he quickly skims.)

Holy fuck! Jesus Christ! Who the hell is going to buy this shit??!!

C’mon, Noam, you know better than anybody that the Goyim will believe anything.

(Chomsky grunts.)

How many times did we tell them that some professional hit was some “lone nut” with no motive showing up and killing somebody for no reason at all?

(Chomsky winces.)

Or remember when several skyscrapers in lower Manhattan disintegrated and we told everybody that some Ay-rab in a cave in Afghanistan made this happen!

Holy shit! Skyscrapers disintegrated in Manhattan???!!! When did this happen?

(The two men in black exchange worried glances.)

Oh, I remember that perfectly well! I was just having you on!

(Laughter.)

Oh, Noam, you’re such a kidder!

(Pregnant silence follows.)

Look, fellas, haven’t I done enough? I told you already that I’m through with this. Can’t you get somebody else to do this for you? How about that young whippersnapper Ron Unz?

Well, of course, we’ve got Unz hitting the key talking points, along with the rest of our assets in the media and academia. But none of them have that Chomsky oomph! We really need your help on this one.

Guys… I’m so fuckin’ tired…

C’mon Noam, just this one last time.

(Chomsky muttering) Fuck this shit. Jesus, I’m ninety-two fucking years old!

Look, Noam, this is not like in the last century. You don’t have to go to the university campuses or any TV studio. We can do it right here on my colleague’s laptop. It’s all set up. All you have to do is make sure to hit every talking point here.

(Chomsky, considering the situation, realizes that he is not going to get rid of his visitors until he accedes to their request. And he is in dire need of his afternoon nap.)

Okay, fine. Let me get this straight. I’m supposed to get interviewed and say that the people who refuse this vaccination are supposed to “isolate themselves from society”.

Yeah, that’s about it.

Okay, fine. Now, when they ask me how these people are going to make a living… like… you know… pay their rent… buy food, what am I supposed to say?

Gee, that’s not there on the talking points, is it? I guess that didn’t occur to anybody at Langley. Shit. I guess that’s why you’re such a legendary genius. You think of everything!

(The men in black sit silently for a while scratching their heads. Finally, one of them, who had been mostly silent up until now, pipes in.)

I’ve got it! Just say that that’s their problem!

(Chomsky shrugs his shoulders and sighs.)

Well… okay, guys, let’s get this over with…

Thanks Noam, I knew we could count on your help. You’re such a trooper! Will you need to rehearse your lines a bit?

Nah, fuck it! We’ll do it live!

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